Humanity Report

(Earth from Apollo 17, via NASA)

This is the termly report on Humanity (Sub-Section: United Kingdom) , compiled by the Intergalactic Association. The story begins out in deep space...

Observer swivelled in “her” chair to greet Compliance with a smile. She waved a tentacle at another seat in front of the big screen, and Compliance duly sat down.

Compliance: “What have you got for me today Observer?”

Observer: “Well, Compliance, right now the scanner is locked on to that planet they call Earth: focussing on that nation of theirs, the United Kingdom.”

Compliance: “Oh yes, that’s one of my favourites. They can be very strange!”

Observer: “Indeed. Only a few days ago their leader, err, Prime Minister created a mass panic by advising them to store supplies of petrol fuel.”

Compliance: “How so?”

Observer: “Well he told them there might be a sort of mini rebellion called a ‘strike’ by the individuals who transport that fuel. So everyone went out and queued for hours to purchase some. Those who failed to buy fuel were stranded.”

Compliance: “So they are still following their ‘herd instincts’ then?”

Observer: “In this case, yes.”

Compliance: “Do they still work inside designated buildings for five or six days, then all go outside for a day or two, no matter what the weather?”

Observer: “Mainly, yes. But I do notice one improvement.”

Compliance: “What’s that?”

Observer: “Well, do you recall me telling you that many of them take cylinders of leafy vegetation, set them alight and inhale them?”

Compliance: “Are they still doing that? Surely they must know it’s carcinogenic by now!”

Observer: “They do. And the dangers of secondary inhalation. So they have banned – they call it ‘smoking’ – in public buildings. Smokers must satisfy themselves outside.”

Compliance: “But why do they still do it for The Source’s sake?”

Observer: “That vegetation contains a highly addictive substance called Nicotine. Actually they have got worse and worse with addictive substances in recent years.”

Compliance: “In what way?”

Observer: “It is commonplace for many of them to take Heroin, Cocaine and a whole host of hallucinogenic drugs.”

Compliance: “Oh Dear, will they ever learn?”

Observer: “That’s a good question.”

Compliance: “Eh?”

Observer: “It’s quite puzzling. These humans learn some things very well, but in other areas they are seriously retarded. They’ve made giant strides in technology over the past two hundred years. Yet socially they remain very primitive.”

Compliance: “Oh.”

Observer: “Look, these humans have discovered that they are killing their planet through deforestation and global warming. Around their world, thousands of children are dying of malnutrition and disease. So what did the UK government do recently? They put an extra tax on small shops who keep their pastry products – ‘pasties’ – warm before selling them!”

Compliance: “Do they still prepare potatoes the same way?”

Observer (winking with 7 of her eyes): “Oh yes, they peel them with their metal knives; they boil them; then they smash them all to bits!”

Compliance: “Ha ha ha. That will do for now. How long before this planet will be ready for Contact, in your estimation?”

Observer: “Oh, maybe two thousand of their years or so, if they survive.”

Compliance: “Okay, I’ll pop back to see how you are doing with them in a few Macrons.”

Paul Butters