(Picture Credit - Pointparksports com)
(Preface - This is an old story of mine I just found)...
Sometime in the near future Bob Harris is sitting on the changing-room bench, composing himself. He is a young Association Footballer who is about to make his debut in the City versus United derby. Bob is thinking to himself.
Must focus. My coach has told me many times: mental discipline is just as important as the physical. Is my helmet on properly? Yes. I know the history. These soft helmets were brought in to protect the head from physical injury. They added microphones so the coaches could advise us.
Then they introduced new monitoring technology and the “Football Thought Police” were born. For over a hundred years referees had had to make educated guesses whether fouls were intentional or not. Then these new mind monitors took away all doubt!
Now you can be penalised for “Foul Thoughts”, even before you take an illegal action. Plus, of course, that “accidental” mistimed tackle, elbow or stamp can be penalised if you meant it.
We’re off! Through the tunnel...
We are playing. Watch number 22, he’s your man. We have the ball. Move left and back: create some space. The ball! Trap it. Good. Pass to Pete... Yes. Nice start...
22 is breaking through. Tackle him. Whoops! That looks bad!
Referee: “Free kick only. Bob, monitors show you went for the ball but he was too quick for you. No bad intention. Please take more care.”
That’s a relief...
WTF! That was never a corner!
Referee: “Warning Bob Harris: mental dissent! Watch your thoughts laddie! Otherwise you might get a booking!”
Damn I forgot those bloody monitors!
Referee: “Careful! They don’t miss a thing.”
Oh my...
...F*** Me! That’s the last five decisions against us! United have this ref in their pocket. Oh s**t, I forgot. Ball’s gone dead.
Referee: “Bob Harris, come here! Yellow Card. Foul and abusive thoughts towards both opposition and the officials!”
Damn!
Personal Coach in Bob’s ear: “Discipline, Bob, Discipline...!”
Sheesh...
...Get after 22. Move yourself. Come on! Gotcha.
What a f***ing dive! (To number 22): “Hey man, that was a dive!”
Number 22: “Unintentional, punk! Free kick!”
Bob: “You meant that you...”
Stop! Don’t think it!
Number 22: “Mental training lad! I didn’t think anything. Should be easy for a mentally challenged moron like you!”
Wanna strangle the ugly fat b***!
Referee: “Off Harris! Red card. Foul and abusive Thoughts. Again!”
Number 22 is following me off.
Number 22: “Hard luck there...”
Bob: “Why weren’t you booked for using bad language to me?”
Number 22: “We’re trained to use the words without thinking of their meaning. But you really wanted to strangle me there, didn’t you?”
Too right man. Get you next time. By outplaying you. Without any malicious thoughts. I must be clinical from now on.
(Off he goes).
Paul Butters
© PB 24\1\2012.
